


How To Neck A Pint of Blood

by linxxyboy



Series: The Stakeout(s) [3]
Category: Inside No. 9 (TV)
Genre: Blood Drinking, Gen, Inside No.9, Inside No.9 (S5 E6), Inside No.9 (The Stakeout), Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:35:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23531701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linxxyboy/pseuds/linxxyboy
Summary: tommo doesn't feel too good. varney has answers.content warning: blood drinking scene cause y'know vampires
Series: The Stakeout(s) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1683982
Kudos: 10





	How To Neck A Pint of Blood

**Author's Note:**

> so yeah, part of 3 of what i think is a trilogy so this work will end my first ever ao3 series. 
> 
> hope y'all enjoy :D
> 
> (ps wash your hands and stay home if you can. stay safe guys <3)

This was fucking bullshit.

Tommo had officially been a vampire for two months.

In that time, he had somehow managed to fool the police force he worked in to provide him and his partner Varney with any night shifts available to them. Sure, there were still times when they had to be awake during the day in order to keep up appearances, but on the whole they were somehow getting away with it.

Alright, so there was a bit of running joke in the office that they were a vampires (when Tommo had first heard his colleagues joking about it he almost keeled over from fright) but nobody seemed to suspect anything.

Tommo’d explained that he preferred working at night due to mental health reasons, and Varney had set up his lie about having insomnia and preferring to sleep during the day when he first started out at the station.

But yeah, a lot had happened in two months.

So much, in fact, that Tommo had more or less forgotten the main trope associated with vampires. Sure, it’d niggled around the back of his mind but he’d kind of been hoping that if he ignored it then he could continue his vampiric life without ever touching blood.

Except apparently not.

He woke up to the pink and orange of the sunset, an unfamiliar feeling settling in his stomach. It was hunger definitely, but not a kind he particularly knew how to describe.

The idea of eating cereal for breakfast as he normally would did not appeal in the slightest right now. Perhaps he was just anxious about something.

He cast a glance over to his alarm clock and noted that it was 7:30pm. Probably be best to get moving then, he was meant to be picking Varney up for their stakeout at the big garden park in the city centre soon.

So, electing to ignore the weird stomach feelings, he drove across to Varney’s to collect him, and then set course for the park. Some sort of gang tension that was hoping to be broken up before it could escalate to something serious.

Tommo pulled into the park and stopped the car under the cover of trees and darkness.

If the look Varney was giving him was anything to go by, he clearly looked a bit wrecked.

“You look wrecked.”

Well there we are then.

“Yeah? Well you’re no picture of perfection either.”

Varney gave an exaggerated look around the park (which Tommo would have found comical if he didn’t currently want to rip his intestines out to relieve the weird sensation) and then leaned in closely to him.

“You’re hungry aren’t you?”

“Nah, don’t seem to have much appetite.”

Varney rolled his eyes.

“Don’t be stupid, you know what I mean.”

Tommo shrugged and turned away to take particular interest in the foliage that was forming a halo around the car.

“I’m fine.” He muttered.

“Bullshit. It’s been what two months since you were turned? And you haven’t fed yet.”

“Said I didn’t wanna didn’t I?”

There was a sharp inhale of breath to his left and Tommo mulled over the possibility that Varney was somehow having a heart attack despite that particular organ having not twitched at all since the 19th century.

“Okay, I know I said that we don’t necessarily need to drink blood but you also can’t drink coconut water for the rest of your life. You’ll need to do this at least once a year.”

“Why the fuck didn't you say so?”

“Christ, I thought that you’d get this feeling sooner and it wouldn’t be an issue. Plus we had that conversation like two nights after you were turned so sorry if I didn’t wanna scare you immediately.”

This time it was Tommo’s turn to inhale sharply and even if Varney hadn’t had a heart attack, he was thinking perhaps he would.

“What do I do?”

“Jesus-fuckin-okay come with me.”

Varney swung open the car door and sort of drag-ushered Tommo out of the car and deeper into the trees.

“What about the stakeout?”

“Still early, doubt they’ll be here for another couple hours yet.”

Tommo was led down what could technically be a path but with the empty beer cans and cigarette stumps might actually be a rubbish tip.

Varney stopped suddenly and held out a hand for Tommo to be quiet. Tommo was tempted to take that hand and shove it Varney’s arse but decided as he was still new to this he should just listen to the guy.

A moment later he was being led down something that was even less like a path than the last one. Luckily they were in a clearing in no time at all so Tommo didn’t need to come up with a metaphor for what the path looked like.

He glanced around him and finally realised what they were doing.

There was a guy there. Drunk by the look of it.

He was lanky with greasy hair, very much the stereotype of what police saw as a ‘troublemaker’.

And in fairness, he was kind of making trouble. In that he had started singing Mr Sandman at the top of his lungs. A valiant attempt that was horrifically out of tune and contained none of the correct lyrics.

Varney pulled Tommo out of sight behind a cluster of trees.

“Okay.” He whispered. “I’ll bite him, and once he’s subdued I’ll call you over.”

“You’re shitting me.”

“I’m not. Did the same thing for Dobson din’ I?”

“Okay fine. Better not call me your child like you did him you fucking weirdo.”

“Fine whatever. Stay out of sight.”

Then Varney was moving towards the fella. Greasy™ hadn’t clocked him yet, still mumbling song lyrics and swaying around the clearing. God knows why he was out here alone at half eight at night but here he was.

Greasy™’s swaying resulted in him swinging full force into Varney who didn’t even flinch. Either this was some weird vampire bullshit or this guy was weak as fuck cause there’s no way they wouldn’t have both gone flying in a normal situation.

At that moment, Greasy™ realised that he wasn’t quite alone.

“S’at you Rachel? ‘Cos I know I said I wouldn’t drink much tonight but there was some beer left at mine from last time and y’know how it is.”

Varney grabbed the man’s arm to steady him, and Greasy™ seemed to wake up a little at that.

“Oh shit my dude sorry. Not Rachel my bad. Probably the hair.”

“It’s fine. You okay?” Varney asked, sneaking a look over to the trees where Tommo had positioned himself.

“Lil drunk but having a good time. Why’re you here?”

Varney gave him a toothy smile.

“Hungry.”

And just like that Varney moved at lightning speed, his mouth latching onto the guy’s neck and biting down.

Tommo was horrified, although mostly at himself for thinking that the blood looked somewhat delicious.

Then the moment he’d been dreading, as Varney beckoned him over.

It was a little weird honestly, seeing his friend with blood dripping down his face and trying to accept that this was going to become something of a norm.

“Go on then.”

Tommo hesitated.

“Look I get that this is unappealing but you literally have to else you might keel over right now.”

So Tommo approached the poor bastard who was really just in the wrong place at the wrong time. And he drank.

Varney hadn’t been lying, necks were not the easiest receptacle for drinking out of but Tommo was pretty pleased with himself for not making a huge mess all over his clothes.

He was trying really hard to not think about the taste, which was difficult when he had nothing really to distract himself with. Plus Varney seemed quite interested in the blood that was getting everywhere.

Eventually, Tommo pulled away and moved back to the trees, not bothering to watch as Varney descended on the guy once again. A few moments later and Varney was by his side holding out a wet wipe.

“Cheers.”

They both glanced back at the man who was very definitely dead by now.

“Need to bury him.” Varney muttered.

“Mhm.”

“I’ll sort it. Sit down, you’ll be feeling a little weird I imagine.”

Tommo wasn’t about to disagree. His morals were biting back with vengeance. How could he have helped take the life of some innocent bystander. He was a policeman for fucks sake, he was the one who was meant to stop this type of thing from happening.

But here he was, wiping blood from his mouth and ignoring the way his teeth felt a little sharper than usual.  
Christ, life sure does have a funny way of changing.

Varney left him to his moral dilemma, instead working on digging a very deep and vertical hole. Once he was satisfied with its depth, he pulled the man by the arms over to it and dropped him in it feet first.

He then started working on tipping the soil back into the hole, watching carefully as bit by bit, the man was swallowed by the earth.

“Okay, let’s go back.”

Tommo was pulled up and led away from the clearing, back through the bracken and twisted trees.

They reached the car in silence, clambering into the vehicle and taking up their previous position watching the rest of the park.

“You okay?”

“Might need to go back to therapy.”

“I see.”

Tommo leaned back in his seat, peering half-heartedly out into the gloom.

“Look.” Varney began. “This is obviously gonna be weird for you but you’ll get used to it eventually. Just takes a bit to wrap your head round the idea normal food isn’t gonna solve all your problems.”

“Mhm.”

Another deafening silence fell over the pair.

Then Tommo spoke up again.

“Alright then. Little girl all dressed in white, caught the fever and died last night. What is she?”

“Thought you weren’t doing riddles anymore.”

“I’m bored. And it’s nice telling ‘em to someone who hasn’t heard ‘em before.”

“This one a towel?”

“Nope. Think about it.”

Varney mulled over it for a minute or so more and then sighed in defeat.

“Dunno, I give up.”

“She’s a candle.”

“Right yeah, I get it.”

Tommo gave him a friendly dig with his elbow.

“Don’t you worry, I’ve got plenty more.”

“Oh good.”


End file.
